Down today

I feel like a failure and a horrible mom and that I should just crawl in a hole and die. Any good mom could make sure there kids will have diapers and clothes but I can't make it work I've never been able to I have no one to turn to my husband is numb to my pain and sorrow. I can't sleep I keep running in my head what can I sell to make sure we have money because chances r I will miss something in the checking count and we will over draft I just wish I had a manual. I know I'm not perfect but I try so hard but I feel like I keep failing, can't even afford to pay the sitter 40 for 2 wks I am the worst mom :( all I want to do us die right now

Thankful

Wow until now talking to my sister hayley about others stupidity lol I never realized how much I have to be thankful for. All of my family in my life that care about me and how after five yes in a apartment I finally got a house a dog and two beautiful children and I couldnt be happier than I am right now god works wonders and he has three answers to prayers yes, not yet and I have something better in mind I have to thank god for everything I have I know others have it way worse than I do but it will get better and I'm so thankful that I didn't give up on him because he never gave up on me

Failure

So I have to blog about this I feel like a horrible parent and that I don't deserve my children. Truth is I felt like that since I had Bruce. I feel as if I'm only ever yelling at him or too tired that I fall asleep while sitting up. I really think both of my kids deserve a better mom. Right now I see my kid right after I get off I work, well I work third and only get about 4 hrs a day to sleep. Well I feel like I'm constantly yelling at him over stupid stuff like the other day I made him left overs and he had milk to drink. While he was eating I did the dishes from the night before he decides to pour his cup of milk all over his food it looked like spaghetti cereal . That set me off I was so pissed I wouldn't let him up I wanted him to eat it like that. Well he didn't want to but he wanted something to drink which I was still fuming so I wouldn't for the fact he dumped his milk on it. After the dishes I gave him some water and sent him to bed for a nap. I feel like a horrible parent for that now that I look back on it I don't want to make excuses. And it's not his fault he got away with everything while we lived and my in laws. But I just wish I was better at being a mom. My son will run up to his grandma Yeager instead of me he will probably say grandma before he says mom. He says dada and since he has been at the sitters two days he is already trying to talk. I can't help feel like I am the problem with everything. I don't want a pitty party but it's true I don't spend enough time with Bruce and I'm horrible for that I would just set him infront of the tv so while Raelynn is sleeping I can rest up a bit. I really don't deserve my kids I don't even want to take Bruce out side because of how tired I am all the time. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND SO PROUD OF THEM AND THANKFUL THAT GOD GAVE ME A SON AND A DAUGHTER. But I don't deserve them.

First time to the sitters

Well I went back to work a day early then today my kids went to the sitters ... Well needles to say it freaked me out to leave my daughter at five weeks old with someone else besides family. I must not be a very trusting person from all the date line crap from all the horrible people out there abusing and killing young children but we all survived today. Not wanting to go into work tonight I miss my babies

New baby New house New life

Well I finally got my wish of another baby but I kinda wish I waited now I love my daughter and I'm glad I had her but it is soo much harder with two only 20 months apart one needs to constantly eat while the other wants to play. I can't take Raelynn outside because she is too young for sunscreen plus it is Hott outside like 90 plus.And now work wants me to come back a day sooner which means I need to sleep but I can't my head is still hurting from last night. Well I guess it's for the best it will mean over time or an extra day I can't remember when they pay period cut off is. I'm trying to be super mom but it breaks my heart to leave my daughter at night because now I feel like both kids won't know me.
When I was pregnant working third I barely saw Bruce I was exhausted I barely spent time with him and it's probably the reason why he has a speech delay :(. I want the best for my kids and I don't think it's me but I can't change that fact I just wish I had more stamina and not being over weight might help but I don't have time to work on myself my kids come first and always will