Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Failure
So I have to blog about this I feel like a horrible parent and that I don't deserve my children. Truth is I felt like that since I had Bruce. I feel as if I'm only ever yelling at him or too tired that I fall asleep while sitting up. I really think both of my kids deserve a better mom. Right now I see my kid right after I get off I work, well I work third and only get about 4 hrs a day to sleep. Well I feel like I'm constantly yelling at him over stupid stuff like the other day I made him left overs and he had milk to drink. While he was eating I did the dishes from the night before he decides to pour his cup of milk all over his food it looked like spaghetti cereal . That set me off I was so pissed I wouldn't let him up I wanted him to eat it like that. Well he didn't want to but he wanted something to drink which I was still fuming so I wouldn't for the fact he dumped his milk on it. After the dishes I gave him some water and sent him to bed for a nap. I feel like a horrible parent for that now that I look back on it I don't want to make excuses. And it's not his fault he got away with everything while we lived and my in laws. But I just wish I was better at being a mom. My son will run up to his grandma Yeager instead of me he will probably say grandma before he says mom. He says dada and since he has been at the sitters two days he is already trying to talk. I can't help feel like I am the problem with everything. I don't want a pitty party but it's true I don't spend enough time with Bruce and I'm horrible for that I would just set him infront of the tv so while Raelynn is sleeping I can rest up a bit. I really don't deserve my kids I don't even want to take Bruce out side because of how tired I am all the time. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND SO PROUD OF THEM AND THANKFUL THAT GOD GAVE ME A SON AND A DAUGHTER. But I don't deserve them.
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You're not along sister. When Alex was born, Kaeltyn got loads of TV time.
ReplyDeleteJust try your best to relax and remember it's quality not quantity. When you are spending time with him...make it count :) Look at books together, talk to him about everything (the shapes of the windows, the texture of the carpet, the chill in the air), make silly faces, and tickle. (Do this with Raelynn too even though she'll have no understanding...it will help her develop speech patterns) AND the most important...ask him questions. He won't answer at first, but eventually he will. Just ask questions about everything "Do you like your food?" "what shoes do you want to wear" "what toy is the silliest". And make him help you with that baby!! He's young and can't do a alot, but he'll feel proud of himself when he gets to bring the wipes to you, or her paci.
And don't beat yourself up. You're doing a great job! Are there other kids at the babysitters? That's probably why he's trying to talk, because they're modeling speech for him...not because he likes the babysitter better or because she gives more attention. Kids sometimes prefer to learn from other kids rather than adults. This is why atypical kids (kids with learning disabilities, and speech delays) are usually placed in classrooms with typical kids in preschool...they're eager to communicate and play with their counterparts.
And try not to yell so much :) It stresses you both out I am sure. Just remember, a glass of spilled milk is only a glass of spilled milk. And how else is he going to learn what happens when he dumps milk on his plate?? haha
TRust me, as a mom who has two children already...The first six months are the most difficult. And I didn't even work out of the home, so I understand that you're stressed and tired. Once Raelynn is older things will start to get better. Alex's first six months were torture for me. I was miserable. I didn't let many people know that, but even though I loved my kids, I pretty much hated my life and at times even resented them for making me so tired. But things slowly started to get better. Looking back, I probably should have seen a doctor for depression, because I think I definitely was dealing with it, but I did make it through. And it sounds like maybe you might want to make an appointment and at least talk to your doctor. It sounds like you could be dealing with a little post partum depression yourself...and that's OK, we won't judge you...we'll help you!! But you need to know, and your doctor should know so she can monitor you, and possibly give you some meds to help balance out your moods. It really might help...at the very least, she can put you in contact with a support group. Don't keep your feelings in, talk with someone about it...even me!! My phone is back on for the time being, so call me darling!!
YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!! And you DO deserve your kids. Your kids do not deserve a better mom, they deserve a happier mom. So let's focus on that. OK!! :) I love you!!